In terms of our epigenome, recurrent trauma can lead our DNA to modify itself and to hinder our present-moment functions as well as our future functions. We may even pass these modifications to our children, and they to theirs, on and on into the distant future. The only way to reverse course is to end the trauma and replace it with nontraumatic, healthy experiences. In a sense, we need to teach our bodies and minds to do things differently. The way that I do this is to identify the traumatic behavior, whether that is direct action like abuse or indirect like lack of care, and then reverse engineer it. I pass on passing on trauma by finding the antidote and practicing that instead.

We have the saying “no need to reinvent the wheel” because there are some things we do that have such clearly good outcomes that we always do them that way. There are hacks that apply to most of us no matter where we find ourselves. There are ideas that are so helpful to humans that they stay with us and we pass them on and on through the generations.

The takeaway is that our biology is always shifting to fit our environment. Instead of determining the quality of our life, it mutates to match the quality of our life. If we want a healthy inside, we need a healthy outside. We have the potential to have mental health and wellbeing, but we will not experience that if our environments are characterized by deprivation. For mice, we know aggression, lack of care, abuse, and early stressful life events are toxic. For humans, we know even small stressors that we incur on a daily basis are too. 

One of the most fascinating things about being human is that we are made up of hundreds of billions of cells with billions of nucleic acids that communicate billions of instructions to each other each moment so that we can do whatever we are engaged in. We are also made up of nearly one hundred billion neurons and approximately the same number of billions of neuronal cells. Our brains are equally active sending signals to allow us to think and feel in whatever context we find ourselves in.

If you have been following me on TikTok, you know that I’ve been thinking about giving and taking less fucks. Giving less fucks to others and taking less fucks from the world…what do I mean? When we say “I wanna give less fucks” we really mean, I wanna take less of what’s going on around me as something I see as “F-ed up.” I want to be less “fed up.” I want to feel less stung by life.There are many things that I am enraged about and that I have dedicated my life to changing such as racism, classism, sexism, heteronormativity, gender binarism, and capitalism. To do that work, I need to allocate my fucks wisely.

In my book, Rethinking Intelligence, I talk about the utility of connection as applied to learning. Connected, collaborative learning sparks focus and attention, enriches memory retrieval, and reduces stress. There is a synergy and passion in learning with others. That is why I say that life is learning and learning is best done with others.

Before we can get down to the brass tacks of learning to read, as my kindergartners are doing, or learning to read scientific journal articles and collect data, as my scientists-in-training are doing, they need to have their eyes clear and their hearts full. They need to quash the hater voices and turn up the sound on the internal empathizer.

Building neural networks and making them work better for us comes from habitual action and interaction. The more we work our “relax muscles” and “empathy muscles” in our brains, the more we have them at the ready. The idea is to promote a sense of calm and rationality so we can use our brains for clear thinking and feeling. While there isn’t a region of the brain that can flat-out calm us down, we can take back the parts that threaten to hijack our ability to reason by breathing, meditating, or rhythmic articulation (like chanting).

One thing that I have been working on a lot in recent months is monitoring my energy levels and taking my mind and body seriously. I have been listening to my inner voice, not just hearing it and chasing it away. I am also trying to stack my day with positive environmental inputs that are sustainable and sustaining—sustenance for my mind and body to last me through my day.

In just a couple weeks, we will usher in America’s celebration of heritage and history months. January doesn’t have one designated, but the buzz around personal DNA kits that arises each holiday season suggests that many people are focused on their personal genetic history. It is in these earliest weeks of the new year that many people take their first plunge into genetic genealogy. They learn about health risks, ancestry, and “lifestyle and environment” factors. They also begin thinking deeper about the role of the past and future in their present-day strategies and choices.

When people want to show appreciation for my kids, they often tell me and my husband Nick how smart they are, how creative and curious they are, how imaginative and inventive they are. We try to take their compliments graciously while broadening them to others—remarking how rich their learning environments are or acknowledging the efforts of the grownups in their lives that include them in their activities. We do this, because we know that our kids aren’t a trio of Harry Potters. They aren’t magical wizards that were born inherently superior to all their peers. They’re just kids who are privileged enough to have grownups providing them the undivided attention and unconditional love that feeds their souls. They may not have everything they want, but they have everything they need.

I have been thinking a lot about what’s “new” about the new year. After all, this is a time to consider how we might want to reinvent ourselves. Or take our life in a new direction. Or maybe we just want to color our day with some new approaches or take a moment here and there to dive into some new ideas, new material, or new content. All of these things certainly feature in my #squadgoals any day of the year, but I am especially conscious of this at the beginning of the year when I want to see myself anew. I am most palpably aware now, in the first days of the new year, just how consciously I am trying to grow into myself.

So for this New Year, I will work on tuning into that inner ringing so that I may hone my listening skills. This will, of course, mean tuning out the outer noise a bit more. But really focusing on hearing my gut needs and trusting myself to know when I am doing things that are healthy for me and when I am ignoring that memo. When do I feel unwell in the space of an interaction or in a particular social situation? When is something not sitting well with me? Conversely, when is it feeling right? When am I feeling nourished and cared for?

The good news is that, though I can’t rely on others to do the work for me, foundations are by definition shared. That means that the love and trust I pour into those foundations support healthy interactions that benefit all. By grounding love and trust into the home environment, I am pushing the needle toward health and wholeness for me and my family.

I was lucky. My mom was a counterpoint to all the drama. She was upfront with me about my dad’s conditions and about her own love, suffering, and growth through her care for him, and so I learned from her how to cope healthfully. From living in a home sick with love and anguish, I learned how to choose differently so that I could heal and help my family to heal. It was a long process and it continues for me today as I put one foot in front of the other to make a better way for my kids.

In reality, our brains are neuroplastic—they are constantly developing in relationship to our moment-to-moment environment. The activities we engage in, the foods we eat, our sleep, our social and emotional interactions, all affect how our brains are functioning. This is a basic law of biology, and it is something that applies to all of us. In this way, we are all similar.