Pause-itivity
Positivity - Hurtful or Hale?
We hear all the time about the importance of being positive. Positive thinking is supposed to help us see the world through rosier glasses. It’s said to help us weather the everyday storms. It’s assumed to keep us from volleying between super highs and lows. It’s allegedly the foundation of finding happiness in the day-to-day as well as in the long haul.
But there has been so much talk about going positive, being positive, and thinking positive in recent years that there has also been a backlash on positivity. Psychologists and social scientists working in the realm of health have taken to calling one particularly popular but thin brand of positivity “toxic,” because it encourages people to keep their chin up when the world around them is burning.
Toxic positivity comes in the form of pillows embroidered with “think happy thoughts” and candles with “positive vibes only” stickered on. It also comes in the form of well-meaning friends and family telling you to tune out the negativity in your mind when you complain of a microaggression at work or when you learn that someone you love is being bullied at school. Instead of getting the support you need to think critically about your situation, you get a slogan. You end up lacking meaningful empowerment that would otherwise help you overhaul what needs improving.
Pause-itive Vibes Only
When I was a young adult, I did an experiment where I spent several months only uttering positive things. When I caught myself ramping up to complain about something, I pivoted and looked for a more positive assessment. When I heard someone expressing anger, sadness, or disappointment, I tried to cheer them up with a positive interpretation of their situation.
I learned a lot about myself and my thought patterns from this exercise, especially around my ability to think before I spoke and take other people’s psychological interests to heart. But I also learned that there is a time for spinning a positive message about life and there is a time for being critical. My research into structural racism, sexism, classism, and heteronormativity made this plain for me to see. This year happened to be the pinnacle of my early life working in community organizing and political activism as well as the year I committed to a career in social justice, and I needed to marshall all kinds of censorious and exacting emotional vibes to get my message across. Positive vibes? Yes. Positive vibes only? Not a chance.
I took away from this experience a kernel of wisdom: though every situation demands a different mentality, orientation, and outlook, all situations demand rational thought. Lately, I’ve been talking about “The Pause,” or pausing before reacting as a way to ignite executive functioning—that reasoning, values-mindful part of your mind that keeps you acting in step with your bigger ideals. In response to all the pressure to “just think positive,” I’m offering the strategy of “just think values.” Take a pause to create authentic action—not mindless acceptance but rather a mindful intention to keep your actions and emotions in step with your goals and ideals.