Nonverbal Literacy
When I started blogging last year, I talked about modeling the behavior you want to see in others, especially children. I discussed how “do as I say” doesn’t work at all. We are picking up on other people’s nonverbal cues constantly. Our kids are especially sensitive to this form of communication. In fact, there’s a whole field of Sociology called Nonverbal Communication—I took a course in this in college! There’s also a whole field of Psychology that studies nonverbal intelligence. No matter what a person’s grades or test scores say, we are using this subtle form of intelligence all the time!
If only there were an award for being able to “read the room.” We might then be faced with the reality that our kids are using this form of intelligence more than we realize. This means we have to be intentional about our nonverbal communication with them (and with others!). When you are trying to support a kid or a friend, a coworker, a spouse, a parent, what is your body telling them?
I was thinking about this as I listened to an intelligence researcher talk about parents supporting their nonverbally sensitive kids. When kids are exercising their nonverbal deciphering and intuiting skills, they might not be focused on performing according to society’s standards at that moment. In a classroom setting, some kids are interpreted as not paying attention when they are in fact paying detailed attention. Teachers and parents can get short with them and express frustration nonverbally even when they think they are helping them. By turning up our investment in our own nonverbal literacy, we can help our kids (and spouses and coworkers, etc., etc.) get the support and appreciation they need.
“...what we call ‘good’ behavior is just our preferred behavior.”
Modeling “Good” Behavior
One of the greatest bits of wisdom I got from reading parenting books was the idea that what we call “good” behavior is just our preferred behavior. When people say “your child is so well-behaved” they usually mean “your child is so quiet and docile.” No one says a spirited child is well-behaved. No one says a loud and proud child is well-behaved.
Learning that made me question what I really want my kids to do—and in which situations. I want my kids to be kind. Always. Anywhere. I want them to look out for their brothers. Always. Anywhere. I want them to listen to others carefully, mindfully, but also to speak up for themselves. Almost always. Almost anywhere. I want them to be loud and reactive, to scream if they must. In emergencies only. There are different “good” behaviors for different situations.
This brings me to my own behavior. Do I as a parent and person in the world model these “good” (a.k.a. contextually appropriate) behaviors? Do I save the raised voice for emergencies? Do I listen attentively as much as assert my viewpoint? Do I model kindness always and everywhere? What do I really do no matter the context? What are my patterned, go-to plays? And in nonverbal terms, what am I usually communicating with my face, my tone, my body? What vibes am I giving off on the reg that I may not be conscious of?
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